journal enteries + photos

march 1 at this point, i’ve mentioned to so many people in my life that the airport is like the coolest amusement park ride. i have so much fun scanning my ticket and waiting in line (maybe enjoying a pan au chocolat and a latte in the process) and then taking off as the plane goes blasting full speed ahead down the runway and up into the sky. my friend haniah from high school once posted that harry styles’ self-titled album is the album she listens to every time she’s at the airport. since then, i’ve noticed that luke hemming’s when facing the things we turn away from is always in my rotation. i was never a five seconds of summer fan, but this album is one of the best albums i have in my spotify arsenal. this ride to bordeaux has been my favorite plane experience yet. it was an aer lingus flight, so the plane was bigger and the seats weren’t all full. i had a row of three seats to myself, so i could set my sweater in the seat next to me. i got a raisin fruit scone with strawberry jam and butter. it was only the afternoon when i descended into france. the waxing gibbous moon was in the sky, and the french rivers, towns, countryside, and windmills were visible below. i was listening to dakota warren’s “sisyphus is doing quite well, actually” spotify playlist featuring songs like lujon by henry mancini and horseheadedfleshwizard by devendra banhart. i was staring out the window as the plane was landing and felt nothing but pure and unmoving happiness. grandma talks so fondly about bordeaux everytime she talks about france. i’m so glad i got to check it off my list of places i wanted to see! i met up with allison in the airport and we got a bus into the city to our airbnb. she told me all about her previous days that she had spent in spain seeing medieval villages and trying amazing desserts. our airbnb was on the ground floor of an apartment building, the entrance in a beige stone alleyway with a heavy blue painted door. the alleyway was right around the corner from a fromagerie (cheese shop) so that was our first stop. we got three different cheeses to try. a goat cheese with thyme, a blue cheese in a wax, and a blue cheese in a tray. we stopped at a boulangerie (bread shop) to get a baguette to try the cheeses with. then we went to la mie câline to grab dinner for takeaway and went back to the airbnb to feast! i got a quiche, a chocolate chip cookie, and orange juice. there was a floor-length mirror in the living space of the airbnb and i caught a glimpse of myself in it out of the corner of my eye. i actually do look like i’m twenty. i was wearing a dark grey turtleneck and even though i’m short, my face doesn’t look the same as it did when i was fifteen when i could get away with ordering off the kids menu. boygenius released their newest song “not strong enough” so i sat on the pull out couch and watched the music video. i teared up, because it really captured what it feels like to hang out with your friends and go on road trips and wrap yourself in a blanket while you watch the sun disappear. maybe it was a mixture of this reminiscent nostalgia, or maybe it was a completely naturally occurring wave of emotion but, as we sat down to try our cheeses, dread and fear gripped me and my stomach started to knot and my neck started to flush. the initial excitement about being in bordeaux faded and was quickly replaced with an acute awareness that i was once again in a place that functioned with a completely different lexicon than i was used to. there were men talking, maybe arguing, maybe joking, maybe just conversing, in the alleyway right outside our airbnb. obviously i had no way of knowing what was going on, since they were speaking in french. but their voices were firm and i wasn’t all that overjoyed at the prospect of having to leave the walls of the airbnb and face the world ever again. i recentered myself. allison and i watched a couple episodes of an anime and then we watched white chicks and i let myself lay in the room and get comfortable. it worked, and i went to sleep happy. march 2 thursday, i spent the day alone. allison woke up with achy joints and symptoms of food poisoning (probably from the cheese). she had to stay back from our activities that we had booked and rest. so i laced up my converse and walked along the river alone (i went past the place de la bourse!) to the start of a walking tour of downtown bordeaux. the tour was half in french and half in english, so our guide had to say everything twice. we started at the monument aux girondins which is their statue of lady justice placed upon a tower with beautifully carved horses and people and vines along each side standing for industry and the arts and the exile of ignorance. the french architecture, much like vienna, was all symmetrical and monotone. everything was built of local sandstone and limestone, making the whole city a beige/tan/sandy color with ornate shapes and figures chipped into the stone. the guide walked with us through the streets, pointing out the centuries of construction and organic layouts and the apartments, cafes, and restaurants. we stopped at the église notre-dame, which was a large church, completely silent inside, a wide open room with mantels and paintings and pews. it was like a film to walk up and down the tiny alleyways. the stone streets, bright blue electric scooters, black iron window boxes, red striped cafe canopies, wicker chairs and tables, pigeons, people with long coats, people with cigarettes, people with shopping bags, menus reading “café au lait”, “canelé”, “toast à l'avocat”, the clicking of heels on the ground, and the muffled murmuring of people walking past or sitting on a bench telling each other about their younger brothers. after the walking tour, i went into a few shops to look at the french jewelry and clothing. i bought an orange coat and a red cashmere and wool scarf from a secondhand shop, jolie mome. i went to a creperie called “la parenthèse” where i got a chocolate and banana crepe and a latte with whipped cream. i went past a few thrift stores that were calling to me, but withheld from buying anything because, first of all, i had absolutely no room in my luggage and, two, spending money is the last thing i need to be doing. i’m going so far into debt just being here in the first place. but boy oh boy do i desperately want to own a pair of converse’s run star legacy cx platform gold chain shoes. they look so elegant with the business casual coats and denim and heeled look that european women my age are wearing everywhere i go. it would be so cool to look as cool as they do. i walked east to the garonne river to get on a boat and tour the city from the water. the tour started just north of the pont de pierre, one of bordeaux’s most famous bridges, and went up the water to the pont d’aquitaine bridge before turning around and heading back. this tour was also in french and english, so the guide would tell us something in french and then repeat it again in english. she told us about how quick the water flows through the river, stirring up so much silt, which is why the water is the color of toffee, a biscuit, caramel, rather than being clear and blue. the river is shaped like a crescent, which is why they call it “port de la lune”, the moon harbour. there was a drink included with the ticket and, since allison wasn’t able to make it, the tour guide told me i could get two drinks, which made it possible for me to try both the bordeaux rosé and the bordeaux red. they’re strong wines. i finished the rosé but could only sip a few centimeters off the top of the red because my limbs were getting heavy and my mind reached that familiar fog that made it difficult to pay too much attention to the river and had me staring intently at the liquid in my glass, trying to clear my head to prepare for my walk back to the airbnb. the walk took me past the porte de bourgogne, basically an arc de triomphe knock off. i checked in with allison and got us some grapes, bananas, and an orange from a fruit stand on our street. we spent the rest of the night in the airbnb. i watched joan didion: the center will not hold (2017), barbie and the diamond castle (2008), and taylor swift reputation stadium tour (2018), took a shower, and went to sleep. i didn’t have enough time to venture into the wine country that grandma speaks so fondly of, but i saw enough of the city to understand why it’s one of her favorite places. march 3 allison and i got breakfast at books and coffee cafe. i had pancakes with bacon, maple syrup, and an egg with a matcha latte. we had waited until the night before to buy our train tickets to paris, which was a big mistake, because it cost us €95 each. we had no choice but to eat the cost. it’s not like we were gonna just…not get to paris. we had rooms and tours and a flight booked there. we had to walk south half an hour to get to the train station. the south side of the city was undergoing lots of construction and we walked past quite a few unkempt windowsills and buildings that made me feel a bit nervous. i wasn’t even completely sure i had the correct address in my google maps, but we made the walk anyways. thank god it was the correct station. the uneasiness from that walk paired with the unfamiliarity of the functionality of the station itself (i’ve never taken a train somewhere before) made me so nervous i swear i almost started crying. i didn't know how to get to the train, and i was trying to figure it out so that allison wouldn’t have to deal with any of the stress of travel while she was recovering from food poisoning. as an older sister and someone who has lived on their own for a couple years now, it’s almost habitual for me to expect the weight of responsibility and navigation to fall on me. i thought i could carry it. but god it would’ve been so wonderful to have someone else there to figure that part out for me. i didn’t want to face the instability and cluelessness i was experiencing at that station. i had to ask someone running a chocolate stand for help. we got on the correct train with ten minutes to spare. needless to say, i needed a break. i needed that two hour train ride. going through the tunnels on the train was the most physical pressure i've ever experienced on my body and in my ears. i had to keep yawning and swallowing and stretching to keep myself from passing out. i thought the view out the window of a train through the french countryside would be some type of magic, but it was just like home. it reminded me of being really young and driving down to troy to see grandma with mom and emily. the trees were bare, the grass was just turning green, there were fields and towns sporadically sitting on the hills. i listened to the chill rock bands i love like jet black alley cat and inhaler and sun room and i let myself melt into the seat and close my eyes. because getting off the train in paris was even worse than the train station in bordeaux. we had to pay to use the bathroom and all the instructions and maps were in french and i just had no idea how to find the metro and where to get tickets. the concrete building meant there were only pockets of places where i had signal so i could use my phone to look things up. we walked around trying to follow the signs, the station was crowded like the aftermath of a concert, the sound of people talking to each other and the squealing of train breaks, metal on metal, the zipping and footsteps and tapping and scanning was all so overwhelming, my legs were shaking by the time we finally found the line for metro tickets. i think that’s the most scared i have ever been in my life. but things quickly turned around for the better. they really had us in the first half! upon exiting the metro station at sully-morland, we stepped onto the street where there were a few people on bikes, some pigeons, a tiny park, greenery, and all of the loud sounds quieted. i could breathe again. we checked into our hostel and on our right, there were a few other girls from the states talking about the steak restaurant they were gonna go to for dinner. i think i really needed to hear a familiar dialect. something about their presence immediately made me forget all of the uneasiness i felt throughout the morning and early afternoon. i let myself really come to terms with the fact that i was in paris, the city i grew up hearing about and seeing in movies and never dreaming that i would actually see in person in my entire lifetime. the hostel was actually really nice! which i was so grateful for, because i was quite worried about staying in a place where i didn’t feel safe or capable of letting my guard down at night. we set our things down in our room and i suddenly got an intense craving for boba. i found a boba shop up the hill, and we walked over a bridge through some bustling streets to get there. i got a strawberry brown sugar boba. it tasted so warm and i smiled to myself as i drank it. everywhere i go, i can always find tapioca. we walked back across the bridge at golden hour, the row of riverside buildings glowing orange, to a noddle shop where i got stir fry with baby ribs. i haven’t had very much meat over here, just because it’s not exactly cheap or readily available. those ribs could’ve given my dad’s smoker and grill a run for their money. i thoroughly enjoyed having such a filling meal after the events of the day. walking back to the hostel, the evening glow on the geometric sandstone buildings, the people on bikes, the road leading ahead over the bridge and out of sight looked like a painting. i told allison how beautiful i thought it was and how, if it was a color, it would be pink, even thought everything was mostly beige and blue. i listened through ethel cain’s preacher’s daughter and fell asleep in my little bunk by 10:30. march 4 we were staying near montmartre, paris’ artist district. we had a food tour booked in the morning. our tour guide, abril, has a french father and a mexican mother and let us in on some of her favorite foods and cultural mixtures she’s tried and loved. she started the tour at le mur des je t'aime, the wall of love. it’s an art piece featuring the phrase “i love you” written in every language. the wall is dark blue with white text and it was displayed on the side of a building neighboring a garden and an iron gate. we were on streets, but there weren’t any cars around. there was a carousel and people with scarves and a crepe stand and more pigeons and it felt so romantic that i started to tear up. with wet eyes, i got to walk up to the wall and take a photo and walk around the garden where the trees and bushes are just now starting to bloom. abril walked us over to a fountain nearby that provides free drinking water. it’s called a wallace fountain and there are hundreds of them all over paris. she took us to an award winning boulangerie called pain pain where we got to try a little pastry with sugar. there was a little boy crying and complaining to his mother right outside the doorstep. hearing him express his emotion in french was so endearing and heartbreaking. then we stopped by a fromagerie (la butte fromagère) and a butcher shop (boucherie gaudin) where she picked up the top five cheeses and the top five meats consumed by the people of france. we got chocolates and macaroons from chocolats illéné and crepes from crêperie kigg. abril brought us to a little building that the tour company owned where they take their guests to sit around a table and try the cheeses and meats with the bread and some wine. i loved the goat cheese and the ham the best. afterwards, allison and i stopped by the apartment in montmartre that van gogh lived in for two years and then we took the metro to saint germaine, an area of paris known for its appeal to writers. there’s this cafe, cafe flore, where hemingway used to go. we went there and i ordered a hot chocolate with whipped cream. in europe, their whipped cream has no sugary flavor to it. it’s bland. the point is that it’s cream, so it adds texture to the food you’re eating. sitting in this cafe, i watched the people wait for their friends, show each other the souvenirs they bought down the street, put forkfuls of food in their mouths, accidentally lean too much weight on the table sliding it out of place and having to put it back again. allison got tea and as we sat there, i just...i got it. i get the artists and the writers and why they move and why they sit so still. my eyes followed the fanned mosaic pattern of the floor and the cloths the waiters tossed over their forearms. if the food wasn’t so expensive, i probably would’ve tried to stay for a meal. we decided to go to the arc de triomphe afterwards. it was so much bigger than i thought it was going to be. we got there right as the sun was setting. the sky cast a purple film over the road and the trees and the people. there was a little creperie stand right next to the stairs down to the metro. i got one with biscoff’s cookie batter spread and sliced banana. and then, the most wonderful thing happened. off in the distance, above the buildings on the horizon line, the tower that i had previously thought was a cell tower started to sparkle. that was my first glimpse of the eiffel tower. it was small and distant, but it was flashing and i was enjoying my crepe and staring at the arch de triomph and it felt like the greatest moment of my life. i couldn’t believe i was actually standing on the huge, scary roundabout that i’ve seen from a bird’s eye view so many times in films and videos. i thought a lot about emma chamberlain on this trip, just because her travel videos brought me a big sense of relief and comfort when i was preparing to move across the atlantic. i could see her walk up and down the streets of bath or copenhagen and shop and get iced coffees and i find solace in knowing that people and their habits are a stable, underlying factor, no matter where a person goes. i was standing by the arc, watching the tower sparkle, eating a crepe, with my beaded safety pins and curly hair and chewed up lips and fears and ambitions and impulses and all the folded up ridges and creases in my heart for my little sisters and my second grade teacher. i brought myself into this place in the world where so many minds had been before and got to fill myself with it. we left when it was dark, the quietest smile on my face, and decided to check out the bar on the second floor of our hostel. we both got a glass of champagne and shared a bowl of roasted potatoes. we sat there for almost two hours talking about our heroes and our friends. we made a plan for the next day and then went to bed. march 5 we woke, packed our things, and hopped on the metro to go to a cafe called kozy bosquet. we had to stand in a line on the street for about half an hour because they were so busy. i got avocado toast, a caramel cortado, and a croissant because emily was shocked that i had been in france for five days and hadn’t had a croissant yet. on the food tour in montmartre, abril had mentioned that sacré-cœur, the basilica on the top of the hill, is the second most visited site in paris, after the eiffel tower of course. we walked up the hill past the cutest stained glass lamp shops and vintage stores and handmade jewelry storefront windows. the basilica is surrounded by chain fencing that has been covered in locks with lovers' initials drawn on them. from the top of the hill, there’s a beautiful lookout over the city. the sky always seems to be grey in europe. maybe that’s just because it’s march, but it does make the buildings and streets look uniform in a way. a cold and windy city, light blue, the view was beautiful. there were people sitting on the steps playing guitar and couples sharing sandwiches. the basilica itself, i thought, was underwhelming. maybe if i didn’t relate so strongly to chinese satellite and instead, had given up the piece of candy my youth group leader had given me on that one sunday when i was really little, i’d have learned a strange lesson and be more inclined to the idea of buying a rosary and tossing out my spare change to light a candle in a dark, drafty room. it was a really large room, impressive in its size and detailing in the mosaics on the ceiling, but the hushed whispering and echoing footsteps and smell of moldy stone wasn’t all that fulfilling to immerse myself in. i really did feel disappointed. i wish i hadn’t, because it’s so famous and supposed to be such a once in a lifetime place to be, but i just don’t connect with the spiritual, magical feeling everybody else seemed to be having there. i was grateful to leave and head to the louvre. contrary to the shock i felt at how massive the arc de triomph was, the glass pyramid entrance to the louvre was so much smaller than i had envisioned. immediately upon entering the pyramid, you ride an escalator down to a much larger, brown concrete and elegantly low lit room below the ground, bustling with tour groups and families with large unfoldable maps. all i wanted was to see the mona lisa and the winged victory. the rest of the museum could take an entire day to explore. i adore marble statues. it would’ve been so wonderful to walk through those displays, but we had other places to be. maybe i’ll go back someday. the museum had a definite air of pretentiousness, but that was to be expected. every hall was large and marble. we went through the french and italian painting halls. seeing the winged victory was my favorite. it’s at the top of a staircase in an area all to itself. the crowd taking photos wasn’t too difficult to navigate through, unlike the mona lisa’s crowd, which had a sectioned off back and forth line to get to. people were pushing their way to the front, only having like thirty seconds to take a few photos before you had to get out of the way and let someone else through. i didn’t really get a good look at the painting, but i took a photo for these two girls in front of us so they took one of us too. the photo turned out great! the experience itself wasn’t anything special. the only other paintings i distinctly remember being amazed by were the death of marat by jacques-louis david and the young martyr by paul delaroche. we had tickets to go up the eiffel tower at 6:30, so we didn’t hang around the louvre for too long. we got off the metro and went to an amarino to get gelato. i tried their black cherry and cream and their chocolate. it was so delicious! two guys came in and ordered hot chocolates. they looked phenomenal and i was almost tempted to order myself one too! but we left before i could give in to the impulse. one second, we were walking through a parisian street. the next, we were in a park, and the tower was there on my right. i couldn’t stop voicing how much it didn’t feel real. it looked like a picture. there were kids riding around on bikes and families in the park looking very much like they belonged there. there were people selling miniature sparkling towers and a gift shop stand and a creperie and people taking photos. we hadn’t paid to do a tour, we only bought climbing tickets. so we started the trek up the southern leg of the tower. we had to stop and take a break every couple flights, but we made it to the first floor within about six minutes. it was beautiful to look out at the park we had just been walking through and see all of the people moving around. they were so tiny, like little specks of cinnamon sprinkled over the whole landscape. we stood there long enough to catch our breath, and then we began the walk up to the second floor, the highest floor open to the public. the view from the second floor was even more breathtaking than the first. on our family vacations to michigan every summer, we can see the curve of the earth from the top of the sleeping bear dunes. it’s one of my favorite places in the world just because it’s grown up with me and, every year, it feels just as magical as it did the year before. from the second floor of the eiffel tower, the curve of the earth is even more visible and even more defined than it is at the dunes. we were standing on the northeast side of the tower, and i could see the seine to my left. the streets split the buildings into blocks, the view in front of me looking like a slice of cheese or pie or pizza placed so that the rounded edge followed the river and the tip connected with the park in front of the tower. we had reached this floor during the last ten minutes of daylight and i got to watched as all the street lamps lit up and the tiny people strolled underneath them. the city was glowing pink and then suddenly, it was dark and everything was lit up with street lights and the moon. we counted down for the clock to hit 7, and then witnessed the first blink of a light on the north leg of the tower. it flashed once, twice, three times, and then suddenly the whole tower was shimmering. from so close, i finally noticed all the light bulbs on the ironwork. i video called my family. emily answered and i blurrily saw josie stick her forehead into view and dad walked over and glanced down and mom peaked her head around his shoulder. the internet at home hasn’t been great, so the call glitched out almost immediately, but i think they got to see it sparkling! allison and i stood there and watched it sparkle for the entire five minutes. then we walked back down to the bottom and went to a crepe stand nearby where i got the same crepe i had had the night before. i think it was the crepes that made both the arc and the tower such wonderful moments for me. taking a bite out of one of those was better than trying all the cheeses and breads and chocolates. these crepes are what i’m gonna remember most. we enjoyed our crepes while we walked down to the seine to board a boat tour. we sat on the top of the boat, benches lining either side, no roof or walls, only a railing. there was a dark blue glow coming from the inside of the boat so we could see where we were walking but, otherwise, it was dark. as the boat would go under bridges, the lights from the street would light up the faces of the people sitting next to us. the whole affair felt like a scene a writer would put in a novel. the water was black and the street lamps were casting strands of gold across it. the wind was so intense, i felt the cold in my bones and sat there shivering. but honestly, if i didn’t feel the wind on my face, the experience wouldn’t have been the same. again, it was like watching a movie. the cold was the only thing reminding me that this was tactile and real. we went under some beautiful bridges and past all of the old and marvelous buildings on the riverside. there was a group of american high schoolers sitting on the other side of the boat. every time we went under a bridge, they would yell “bonjour!” at the people walking around overhead. sometimes the people would wave back. and everyone would cheer. we went past the notre dame undergoing construction and witnessed couples sitting down by the water (and a guy peeing on a tree). it was an hour long tour, so we were very cold by the time we docked again. there wasn’t a metro nearby. the closest option was a bus, so we walked ten minutes to the bus stop. it was like 10pm, and we just really wanted to get to our airbnb. to our dismay, we had to wait 26 minutes for the next bus (the sign lied, and it actually took the bus 35 minutes but it’s not like we were counting or anything). we sat in the cold in the dark. the tower was on our left, the corner of a building in front of us, and a cafe was on our right. at one point, a guy on a light blue scooter went past. while we were both pretty miserable sitting there for so long and getting impatient, the view was postcard worthy. it’s the type of image that would’ve been on the wall of me and emily’s shared middle school bedroom, the one that was carnival and paris themed. back at our airbnb, i scratched my arm on a ceramic backsplash title. i still have the scabs. the airbnb looked into a tiny courtyard in the middle of a building. the way in was through a hall with a door situated on the street between two cafes and right across from a subway. it’s the type of place i’d love to live permanently. or the type of place i’d want to spend a weekend in with my friends. i’ve recently come to the conclusion that dublin is the best european city to live in. it feels so homie and colorful and alive. but i see why paris is the most visited city in the world. it’s the best place to let go and relax in. it’s peaceful when you know where to sit and can listen to people playing the violin on the street. it’s my favorite place i’ve ever traveled to. march 6 our flight was leaving at noon, and the airport was an hour and a half north. we left the airbnb at 7:30 and took the metro to find the place where the airport bus shuttles pick up passengers. the bus was leaving that station at 9, but the ticket office didn’t open until 8:50 and the line of people wanting to get on this bus had enough people to fill six buses. we got there early enough that allison was able to stand in the line to board the bus and i got in the line to buy the tickets. thank god we did that, because we were able to get on the second bus instead of waiting for more to arrive. we probably would’ve missed our flight if we had had to stand there and wait around any longer. on the bus, i listened to boygenius and billie marten and the backseat lovers. that hour and a half was the longest ride of my life. i was so worried we were gonna miss our flight and have to find some other way to get home. but when the bus pulled into the airport at 10:30, all of that fear when away. this airport was basically a long shed. there were like…four gates. thank god for ryanair! we got our boarding passes, went through customs, went through security, and had an hour to get a ham and cheese croissant and a latte. all the tables in the little cafe area were full, so we went over by our gate, threw our bags down, and sat on the floor. it was so much fun. i really felt young. like a twenty year old traveling in europe. there was no dignity to be held onto. there were quite a few of us on the ground. it was a bonding moment with the girls next to us. none of us talked, except to mention how strange it was that our plane hadn’t even pulled into the gate as they started letting us through. i spent the plane ride editing my home screens. i have pages dedicated to my sisters and my friends and i scrolled through my phone laughing at the photos of cora on the floor in our kitchen with her fingers and toes spread out like claws. i played subway surfers and, of course, listened to luke hemmings. we landed around 1, got back to campus around 2, and i quickly got on a bus to go to my class at the other campus that started at 3. silly me never checked the syllabus though. my class had been canceled that day. i guess i made that bus trip just to get a coffee. i went to the spar on my way back to restock my groceries. my grocery list always, without fail, consists of bananas, jaffa cakes, and a bottle of wine. those three things are always in my room. i love being a young adult living on my own and being able to make those decisions for myself. i know what i need. i learned that, apparently, this week was fashion week in paris. the likes of lizzo, florence pugh, maude apatow, harris reed, zendaya, ethel cain, and abby roberts were all in paris at the same time i was. one of my biggest goals while i’m in europe is to see a celebrity. i really had a chance in paris, but it never happened for me. march 10 since france, i’ve gone back to going to classes and hanging out with myself. on wednesday, i got coffee with my friend rachelle before our women, feminism, and the creative and cultural industries lecture, and then joined her for a variety show on campus that night. yesterday, as i was writing all these updates, i was at insomnia for lunch, and these two young girls sat down next to me. one of them dipped her fingers into the top of her hot chocolate and shoveled out a mini marshmallow. they were dressed in their dark green corpus christi school sweats and their backpacks were discarded upside down on the floor. they reminded me of snow days with my sisters when i was younger. i haven’t thoroughly enjoyed playing in the show in years. i’m a little annoyed that i let go of that part of myself. i’ve been researching phd programs and thinking about the people in my life that mean the most to me. i’m getting really excited to see who i’ll become as a career woman. it’s so beautiful that i get to wake up every day for the rest of my life and listen to sabrina carpenter or gracie abrams or ashe or jade bird or suki waterhouse and spread raspberry jam on a rosemary cracker and put on shorts and dance on my bed. i always feel so much better about who i am when i go outside and walk around where people are. everyone has their own favorite songs and bracelets and socks and colors and i just think that everyone is so beautiful. it rained really hard yesterday and it’s supposed to rain all week long. it even snowed last night. i’ve been enjoying the mac and cheese aunt kim brought me for my birthday. ren started t yesterday! i’ve been obsessed with buying bottles of aloe water and i finally broke into the dark chocolate covered rice cakes i’ve had in my room for a while. the sun has started setting later and later. i’m feeling so drawn to the concept of summer. i want to slice up strawberries and make myself a coffee and sit by our pond and read in the heat. i’m looking forward to summer, but i’m dreading leaving this place. as of yesterday, my life in ireland is halfway over. it feels like i’ve been here for a really long time, but it’s still all so new and i’m not ready to be done. at the beginning of my semester, i wrote that i hope i don’t become unrecognizable to myself while i’m here. i haven’t. but i’ve also grown so much that january brandi and march brandi would probably disagree about a few things. i’m really hoping i can schedule a trip to copenhagen, amsterdam, and munich. i’m going to edinburgh in a month. i think i’m gonna love it there. until then, i need to get at least halfway through my big research projects and hang out with people a bit more. i keep experiencing random bouts of flushed skin and i think it's just a result of being so intensely busy and emotionally detached...or maybe i have a disease that i don't know about. i haven’t gotten sick yet. that’s something francis told us on our first day that we’d experience within the first couple weeks as our bodies adjusted to the new area. i’m taking this as a sign that i belong here. i just found out that kit conner is going to be filming in northern ireland starting next week…and i’m gonna be up there too. maybe this is my chance to see a celebrity live and in the flesh!